Closing the Gates

I'm through wearing my heart on my sleeve. I'm not as bad as others, but I tell way too much to anyone who will listen. Is it attention I seek? Understanding? Or do I just need to get the words out of my mouth.

This post is my promise to myself, to stop. I can't be like him. Only tell those who ask, who care. and I will write to myself, here. the only person I need to hear me is myself.

12 days is a success

So I've been going on for 12 days having not contacted him. It's not out of hatred, it's not anger. It's not even a test. It's just something I feel I should do for myself.
I have yet to decide what I'll say when he contacts me next. Maybe he won't. Maybe he hasn't even noticed it's been 12 days. I bet he hasn't.
I could give him a million truths if he asks about why I haven't been bothering him lately.
1. "I figured you were busy with school."
2. "I've been busy"
3. "Because lately I've been having a debate on my emotions for you. When I'm not talking to you, I figure all these feelings I have for you are just displaced from my recent failed romantic endevors. I've been focusing all that attention on you, but it's not real. It's only because you're a guy I care for. But see, when I talk to you and see you, I think I'm in love with you. Our conversations make me insanely happy, the way I dont think any guy has ever done and I think that if I could talk to only one person for the rest of my life, I'd pick you. But you have that girlfriend, so instead of me sitting around, hoping you'll break up by the time I see you again, maybe if I stop talking to you, I'll convince myself that my feelings are illusions"

I think option #2 is best, unless I'm feeling crazy honest.

Sunday Mornings

I had to cruel to be kind. I drilled it into his head that it was over over over. She and I have been talking and I caught you in your lies, but no I couldn't tell you this. It's not about her, it's only further reassurance I made the right choice.

If you had to lie to keep me around, you didn't deserve me in the first place. If you loved me as you said you did, why were you trying to force me to stick with a lying, cheating loser like yourself?
.
That's it and I hope not to have to repeat myself again.

That about sums it up.

I wont be offended if you don't listen to me.

i don't know anything!

Look at me!

I'm single, living with 3 cats. no prospective guy in sight.

I'm dwelling on a relationship that I ended 3 years ago for no good reason!

I get up, go to work, sit in a box all day, come out and pretend to eat, go home, watch tv and stare at 2 screens typing away, until i muster up the courage to go into my huge empty bed and hope Xander the cat follows.

Then I get up and do it again.

Conversations are Useless

J (6:35:46 PM): hi

J (6:35:51 PM): happy thanksgiving

Hilly (6:35:54 PM): you too

J (6:36:16 PM): how are you

Hilly (6:36:10 PM): good

J (6:36:46 PM): what did you do for thanksgiving, did you go visit your grandparents, or have people over

Hilly (6:36:49 PM): i did thanksgiving

J (6:37:41 PM): wow, im sure it was great,

Hilly (6:38:47 PM): okay

J (6:41:53 PM): its wierd being here, last night, there were so many people i didnt know, lots of extended family

J (6:45:11 PM): do you not want to talk right now?

Hilly (6:47:04 PM): i dont knwo what to say to you

J (6:47:43 PM): what ever is fine, anything on your mind

Hilly (6:47:42 PM): nope

J (6:48:02 PM): are you upset with me

Hilly (6:48:05 PM): i dont like you talking to my friends about me

Hilly (6:48:09 PM): but theres not much i can do about that

J (6:49:30 PM): im sorry,...i have so much i want to say, but i always think youll just get mad at me

Hilly (6:49:30 PM): you can say what you want to say

Hilly (6:49:35 PM): but it won't change anyhting

J (6:50:23 PM): i never wanted to break up

Hilly (6:50:22 PM): ok

J (6:51:16 PM): i think what happened is just a misunderstanding

Hilly (6:51:56 PM): ok

J (6:52:18 PM): you dont have anything you want to say back

Hilly (6:52:22 PM): Hilly (6:49:30 PM): you can say what you want to say

Hilly (6:49:35 PM): but it won't change anyhting

J (6:53:35 PM): can i ask you some stuff

Hilly (6:53:33 PM): yes

J (6:54:20 PM): why do you not really want to talk to me anymore. why did you want me to get all my things out of your apt and not come back

Hilly (6:54:22 PM): because we broke up

J (6:55:01 PM): i never wanted that,

Hilly (6:55:01 PM): you wanted a break

Hilly (6:55:17 PM): you wanted to step away from the relationship

Hilly (6:55:23 PM): without being at all clear on what was going on

Hilly (6:55:29 PM): after having been vague for 2 days

J (6:55:51 PM): only so that i could get my head straight, i was scared, i was so lost in my own head

Hilly (6:55:47 PM): i told you i wanted to work it out

Hilly (6:55:51 PM): you didnt want that

J (6:56:03 PM): i do

Hilly (6:55:58 PM): i said, we can work it out, or its over

J (6:56:11 PM): i do want to work it out

Hilly (6:56:07 PM): and you were so irrational and never tried to work it out

Hilly (6:56:09 PM): so that was it

Hilly (6:56:16 PM): I wasn't going to sit around and wait for you to change your mind

Hilly (6:56:18 PM): and I didnt

J (6:56:53 PM): i didnt know what to think and i didnt want anything to happen to us,

Hilly (6:57:11 PM): well, you intiated the break up

J (6:57:49 PM): again, i never wanted taht, i wanted the complete opposite,

Hilly (6:57:51 PM): what's the complete opposite?

Hilly (6:57:55 PM): You wanted a break, that was all you

Hilly (6:58:00 PM): You didn't give clarification

Hilly (6:58:20 PM): and I found it not to be a coincidence that this happened within 24 hrs of you reconcialing with julie

J (6:58:34 PM): because i didnt know what was going on with me

J (6:59:04 PM): i hate her now, ok, but she had nothing to do with it,

J (6:59:39 PM): i think if i really tell you all the things i was thinking about, it will be more clear and youll be able to see what i was thnking and why i was feeling wierd and lost

Hilly (6:59:36 PM): why should you hate her, thats weird

J (7:00:16 PM): she is a manipulative person who lies

Hilly (7:00:11 PM): well duh

Hilly (7:00:23 PM): how did she lie to you

J (7:01:31 PM): everytime i told her how great and wonderful you were, she would come back and say 'no shes not' and she always pointed me in the wrong direction, she tried to make me think in a way thats not me

Hilly (7:01:36 PM): i see

Hilly (7:01:44 PM): I will repeat what i've been saying

Hilly (7:01:57 PM): that you can say anything you feel you need to sya, but i warn you now, it doesn't change anything

J (7:02:40 PM): why, i really dont think you know what i was feeling,

Hilly (7:03:01 PM): you can tell me if you want to

Hilly (7:03:05 PM): but it wont change anything

J (7:03:40 PM): why are you so focused on being apart

Hilly (7:03:42 PM): we broke up...

J (7:04:12 PM): i never wnated to do that, ..did you wnat to

Hilly (7:04:47 PM): at a certain point i did

J (7:05:02 PM): what does that mean

Hilly (7:05:02 PM): initially i didn't want to, but your actions and such made it so that i did

J (7:05:31 PM): im sorry for all that, you know thats not me, i was so scared

Hilly (7:06:12 PM): okay

J (7:06:26 PM): i was so scared, and confused, i didnt know why you wanted me out so fast, and you didnt want to talk that night or plan to talk

Hilly (7:06:37 PM): there was no talking to you

Hilly (7:06:42 PM): you were being completely unreasonable

J (7:06:55 PM): i was mostly confused with myself, i didnt know what i was feeling,

J (7:07:04 PM): because i just wnated to talk, but you wanted me out

Hilly (7:07:06 PM): you weren't talking

J (7:08:01 PM): it was right when i was feeling wierd

Hilly (7:09:20 PM): ok

J (7:12:07 PM): you know i never wanted to break up, i know you didnt want that either. and i know you were really thrown off by what i said, but really i just needed someone to talk to

Hilly (7:15:18 PM): okay

Hilly (7:15:24 PM): well what was going on that was so detrimental

J (7:16:50 PM): stress really, just life i guess, presure from school and work, a quarterlife crisis i guess

J (7:17:01 PM): for a little while, i just felt different and i didnt know why

Hilly (7:17:10 PM): okay

J (7:17:27 PM): i didnt want anything to happen to us,

Hilly (7:17:23 PM): ok

J (7:17:49 PM): so i thought if i thought about it, i could figure it out, but really, i needed someone to talk to

Hilly (7:18:02 PM): i see

J (7:18:28 PM): really, i should have just told you,

Hilly (7:18:24 PM): i guess

Hilly (7:20:41 PM): But

Hilly (7:20:43 PM): what's done is done

J (7:21:06 PM): i dont think that

Hilly (7:23:00 PM): what do you think

J (7:24:15 PM): i think you are the most beautiful, most wounderful girl in the world,

Hilly (7:24:36 PM): you dont believe what'd done is done, so what do you think instead?

J (7:27:18 PM): what happened was a mistake, i think if we talk, we can figure a lot of things out. i know we are talking now, but i think it would be better if i take you out to a special place, and we just talk

Hilly (7:28:29 PM): i dont wnat to get back together

J (7:28:41 PM): why not

J (7:33:41 PM): i agree, how i acted was not right, i should never have got mad like that and did those things, but the i was so scared, i was not thinking clearly, i am so sorry for all that, but you know thats not me. i was not myself

Hilly (7:38:00 PM): you're very repeatetive

Hilly (7:38:02 PM): I have moved on

Hilly (7:38:09 PM): and do not want to get back tolgether

Hilly (7:38:35 PM): there is more to the world than what i have seen so far

Hilly (7:38:45 PM): and i intend to grow and experience life the way i haven't been

J (7:40:27 PM): i dont understand how you could have moved on so quickly

Hilly (7:40:26 PM): its been 2 months

J (7:42:32 PM): can we talk more in person, can i take you out somewhere so we can talk

Hilly (7:42:46 PM): i dont see how in person will change things

J (7:43:11 PM): then can we give it a try

Hilly (7:43:19 PM): I don't understand why you refuse to see it

Hilly (7:43:28 PM): We are NOT getting back together

Hilly (7:43:34 PM): Nothing you can say or do will change my mind

J (7:48:41 PM): i really want to talk so much mroe, but im gonna get up for right now,

Hilly (7:48:58 PM): i dont wnat to talk so much more

J (7:49:10 PM): can you at least think about letting me take you out so we can talk, just talk

Hilly (7:49:06 PM): I really hope you can move on

Hilly (7:49:16 PM): You talk and say the same things over and over

J (7:52:11 PM): talking online is hard, i dont feel you hear it the same way i say it, which is why i want to see you, but think about that, and you can let me know

Hilly (7:52:17 PM): i dont want to

Hilly (7:52:20 PM): and i just let you know

Stupid Fridays

Stupid Fridays are so titled, not as a guesture of dissaproval, not as an insult to Friday, the glorious day that it is. but to explain my character upon these fridays.

It's a running tradition that on Fridays I do things I later regret. Not even regret so much as promise myself I will remember and never do it again. Retrospect tells me how stupid I can be.

Let's take a look at my stupidity as of late.

11/2 Got drunk in a strip club (not so stupid) but afterwards called a guy even though I should have know he isn't into me. Then I went to his house and watched him and his roomate get drunk while wondering why he isn't doing me... This one hurt the heart.

11/9 Made out with a complete stranger, who turns out to be full of lies. This one disgusted me.

11/16 Got completely wasted because a guy was buying my drinks, got kicked out of a bar and spent the night with my head in the toilet.

Today is Friday. I know I'm going to drink tonight... I have to drink tonight. Today I will see my current "love" and I will be reminded that I screwed it up, that I can't have him. I will drink to hide that pain and I will get stupid.

Hopefully I won't hate myself too much tomorrow.

The deepest love

"I love you"... "I love so much" "I love you more than anything else"

There are two kinds of "deep" unrequited love.
c
There is the -let it go- love. The love where you loves you so much, you are willing to stand back and let the other go on without you.. All you care for is their happiness, even if it isn't with you. You believe they deserve to be happy and have only the best wishes for them.

There is obsessive love. The "if I can't have them no one will" or the "I can't live without you, therefore without you, life isn't worth living". The "I will do anything in the world to win you over" love. The kind where you love someone so much, you refuse to let them go. The kind of love that makes you kill, the kind of love that self destructs.

Which love is truer? Is it real love to let someone go, or is that an indifferent kind of love? To love someone to the point of obsession, insanity, is that to love more?

Is love real anyway? Is it something that everyone tells you exists, so you believe it's true? Do you believe you can feel it too, because others says they do?
Is it a lie made up eons ago, that lives on through each person tricked into believing?


If I say I love him, is it because I want to take this feeling and give it a mainstream title? Is this love?

November 11th. AM

6:19Am. Two times that I have been awakened from sleeping off last night. The first time, awaken by the sudden heat, too many blankets, sweatpants socks, keeping me warmer than I’d like to be. The second time 6:19AM, my phone rings. It’s from a number that while I do not have it saved into my phone, I know full well who it belongs to.

I answer, normally I ignore. But it is too early to think that clearly. No- I can’t blame the time. Truth is, curiosity answered that phone. Why is he calling and why is he calling now?

My voice is a raspy growl, last nights beer is visible with each word- “What do you want?” To talk, he wants to talk. Was I sleeping? Fuck yes, I was sleeping. Sleep I need and can rarely get. Unusual that I don’t wake up at this time on my own. But I’m awake now so what does he want. He’s outside. Come down and talk. Fine. No need to impress, Keep the messy ponytail I’d throw my hair in hours before. Jeans, sweater, sneakers with no socks. And then downstairs.

I don’t know what to expect. Yelling or self pitying,? Of course, the pity. I think I hate that the most.

He was out walking at home, and somehow he wound up here. No he didn’t wind up here, he walked here, preplanned. He walked here miles, when he has a car. And he wants to tell me everything he’d think I want to hear. I’m beautiful She’s a crazy bitch who doesn’t listen. We had it all, he fucked up. How did this happen. He tells me he made me happy. He knows I loved him. I don’t want him here, and yet I can’t be mean. He might flip out again. This is too dangerous.

But he wants to know How do I feel, what I am thinking?

Me? I’m fine, I say. I’m still drunk, my throat dry, intestines feel like they’re being ripped to shreds. Not sober enough to hide the physical pain caused by nature. I’m told he didn’t expect me to be this, but he should have known I’d be out drinking last night, that I might be still drunk. But it would be a misconception to think I drink because of anything.

I’m 21 and I can do whatever I want. That is my reason for life.

Let’s talk about converting, and the future that was supposed to be. The words can be as perfect and right as ever and still coming from the wrong person, they are horrible.

He doesn’t ask if there is anyone else. There isn’t anyone else, but there isn’t him either. Over. Why can’t I take him back, when there is no other? This I ask myself, why I still don’t want? Is it because of her? It’s not her. It’s him. Only him, not even the three strikes and he’s out. I am just past it. My freedom is too large a price to pay for him.

I don’t want a child. I give him money to get home. Tissues. Make him put on his coat. Be a good boy for mommy.

Then I make sure he leaves. That the door is locked behind him, I make sure of it The door is locked and shall forever remain so.